i know now

My writing this post has been over and above being overdue. I have been thinking of writing it ever since I met him. But my mind has been churning out thoughts at a pace that made it impossible for my fingers to keep up.

I knew it would not be easy to form coherent words, or sentences. But that is only a fraction of how tough it is to be away from him…his arms…his presence.

Now, finally, 552 hours after I had to leave…pull myself away from him, I have tried to gather my wits to be able to sit still and focus on penning what it was and is like.

I have known him for so long now, I can’t think of a time when I dint have him on my mind…in my heart. But I had never met him until only a few days ago. And meeting him was everything I had imagined it to be…p-e-r-f-e-c-t!

My thoughts from early that day were…well not so thought worthy…you see, although I knew him, I couldn’t help but think…what if I cant make him out in the crowd? Or worse, what if he saw me and dint know it was me? What will he think of me when he sees me then? What will I say to him when I see him? What will I say to him after that? aaarrghhh! My mind was buzzing with all these questions, and needless to say I couldn’t WAIT to meet him!

I was striding up the stairway…my heart thumping in my chest, my mind closed up because of the excessive internal traffic, my nails digging into my palms, my hands limp on the sides of my body, my eyes finding new interest in the ground…but!!!…I only had to look up once, to know that everything in this world and within me was at peace…because right there, in front of me, sitting on the 8th step maybe, was him. His eyes were looking straight at me from over the distance…driving away the noise in my head and bringing in cool, white calm!

I’ll tell you how it really felt. It was like standing near an amplifier during a heavy metal concert and then being subjected to NO noise after an hour of brutal thrashing of the insides of your ears, eyes and head. The searing, vacuum-ized calm that follows…that was it! That’s how I felt then. And all I wanted was to melt in his arms…and stay there, forever.

To leave him that day was not very tough, for I knew I would see him…feel him…be with him again, after only a few days. But to be away from him was torture nonetheless. And to hear his voice everyday was my candy treat before going to bed. It was just so right…to have him as mine.

The three short hours, three weeks ago, were bittersweet. It was only the second time we were meeting. But the thoughts of looming farewells, and the ache of leaving him…this time for an indeterminate time…the crawling numbness in my arms was making me go insane. I must’ve weighed a ton more…it was that difficult to move. I dint want to leave. I still don’t know why I did.

Now, sitting here, without him…it’s not easy. I can’t even breathe well without him. My only solace is in my knowing that it will happen again. I will look into his brown eyes again. I will run my hands in his hair again. I will rest my head on his shoulder again. I will fold my hands in his again. I will sit close to him and hear him speak again.

I will know what it is like to be with him…again.