I've been this way for quite sometime now...angry, apprehensive, dazed, blurred...
The mundane is eating away at my life, and im being held back!!
The people i meet, talk to, look at are not mine....this is not where i want to be!
I'd like to break the fucking system that runs all this, and just leave...go..away
It's sad that i can't walk...and the ride home seems more painful everyday

aaahhhhhhh

Riding the highway, backseat of the red bike, needle kissing 100, cool sharp winds rushing by my ears…singing at the top of my voice…

E-L-E-V-A-T-I-O-N whooo hooo……

Cake for thought...

I ask you…
How easy is it to walk on wet sand, with your feet losing grip with every wave that washes by?

How easy is it to walk on snow? Digging, slipping and sliding all the way.

How easy is it to walk in heels over slippery marble floors (not easy…trust me!)

NOW tell me, how easy is it to walk on a cake?? With soft, sponge layers smothered with whipped cream and chocolate!!!

SO WHAT DO THEY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY
“It’s going to be a cake-walk for you”???!!!

Is it going to be a smooth ride…or is it going to make you fall hard and break your ass??!

----

Well, a 'cakewalk' is actually a form of African-American dance (more like a spoof on European ballroom dancing). Competitions were held, and couples who won would be handed over cakes as prizes...thus the proverb!! (hmmfff! and it was'nt easy either...people did end up with dislocated hips)

Therez a spider on my PC!!!!!!

the void

I gaze listlessly at the incandescent ceiling, listening to the acoustics surrounding my head…and think of nothing…

I want to be somewhere where there are no other humans around….and I want to cry…weep till the tears don’t come out anymore…I want to shout…scream till my throat goes hoarse and I cant speak anymore…I want to walk…run barefoot…till my legs cant take it anymore, and my chest hurts with every gulp of air I take in …

…and then I just want to lie down on the warm sand…and smile…and be happy to be there…

I hope he knows, when he sees the rain,

every drop that falls is a sigh from my soul...

every cloud that bursts is the anguish of my heart.

i know now

My writing this post has been over and above being overdue. I have been thinking of writing it ever since I met him. But my mind has been churning out thoughts at a pace that made it impossible for my fingers to keep up.

I knew it would not be easy to form coherent words, or sentences. But that is only a fraction of how tough it is to be away from him…his arms…his presence.

Now, finally, 552 hours after I had to leave…pull myself away from him, I have tried to gather my wits to be able to sit still and focus on penning what it was and is like.

I have known him for so long now, I can’t think of a time when I dint have him on my mind…in my heart. But I had never met him until only a few days ago. And meeting him was everything I had imagined it to be…p-e-r-f-e-c-t!

My thoughts from early that day were…well not so thought worthy…you see, although I knew him, I couldn’t help but think…what if I cant make him out in the crowd? Or worse, what if he saw me and dint know it was me? What will he think of me when he sees me then? What will I say to him when I see him? What will I say to him after that? aaarrghhh! My mind was buzzing with all these questions, and needless to say I couldn’t WAIT to meet him!

I was striding up the stairway…my heart thumping in my chest, my mind closed up because of the excessive internal traffic, my nails digging into my palms, my hands limp on the sides of my body, my eyes finding new interest in the ground…but!!!…I only had to look up once, to know that everything in this world and within me was at peace…because right there, in front of me, sitting on the 8th step maybe, was him. His eyes were looking straight at me from over the distance…driving away the noise in my head and bringing in cool, white calm!

I’ll tell you how it really felt. It was like standing near an amplifier during a heavy metal concert and then being subjected to NO noise after an hour of brutal thrashing of the insides of your ears, eyes and head. The searing, vacuum-ized calm that follows…that was it! That’s how I felt then. And all I wanted was to melt in his arms…and stay there, forever.

To leave him that day was not very tough, for I knew I would see him…feel him…be with him again, after only a few days. But to be away from him was torture nonetheless. And to hear his voice everyday was my candy treat before going to bed. It was just so right…to have him as mine.

The three short hours, three weeks ago, were bittersweet. It was only the second time we were meeting. But the thoughts of looming farewells, and the ache of leaving him…this time for an indeterminate time…the crawling numbness in my arms was making me go insane. I must’ve weighed a ton more…it was that difficult to move. I dint want to leave. I still don’t know why I did.

Now, sitting here, without him…it’s not easy. I can’t even breathe well without him. My only solace is in my knowing that it will happen again. I will look into his brown eyes again. I will run my hands in his hair again. I will rest my head on his shoulder again. I will fold my hands in his again. I will sit close to him and hear him speak again.

I will know what it is like to be with him…again.

Monsoons Ahoy!

A week of searing heat, a second skin of sweat, bottles of deodorant, dollops of sun screen, and finally there is some respite, from all that and more, in the form of drops of water sifted down from the heavens…yes, at long last the monsoons are here in Delhi!

Last night when I went to sleep, it was to the gushes of soft winds hailing in the wispy threads of white clouds, and the sweet smell of wet earth wafting through my window. Today morning when I woke up, it was to the sounds of thunder, and pelting rain…sigh! The most beautiful sounds a Delhiite would want to hear in the month of July!
Well…a delightful start to the day! I floated through the daily routine of getting ready for office, only today, I had a huge smile on my face and a happy song on my lips…I mean the weather was beautiful!!!
Said a cheery ta-ta to mum and dad…opened my umbrella, and with a bounce in my step I started out, loving the cool wind blowing across my face, building plans in my mind, envisioning them as I walked till my bus stop...

aaaaand THIS is where the happy part begins to fade...and the pasted smile on my face turns into a scowl!

As soon as I reached the bend, all my air castles crumbled to shards of glass! The sight that greeted me was of a huge expanse of flowing water…muddy water being beaten up by the cars and trucks and auto rickshaws trying to get somewhere, anywhere…away from the river running through the narrow lanes of Punjabi bagh. With the road submerging under the rising stream, all I could see was the pedestrian footpath (rarely taken by me, what with the open manholes, urine laced walls, overgrown shrubs…its just safer to walk on the road u see!).
A moment of contemplation, and I decide to take the (ughh) footpath (had to keep the shoes from getting wet!)…about 50 meters of trying to keep the umbrella over my head, my hands away from the walls, and my hair outta my eyes…and I come to a screeching halt as I realize that I can no longer continue walking…there’s water everywhere!!! I look to the left and right, hoping for nothing really, just a normal panic reaction…and then decide to brave it…I take a deep yogic breath and jump into the water, clenching my jaw as I wade through to the divider in the middle of the road (shoes, socks, jeans…soaked to the thread!).
Ignoring the smirks pasted on the faces of leering men in cars, I shrug my shoulders proudly and forward march (forward slosh would be more like it) on the thin strip of concrete to the bus stop, already giving up on saving my clothes from getting drenched…luckily my bus came in soon!

By this time, im more than a little pissed off with Delhi’s infrastructure, or the lack of it…I open the window in frustration, let the light rain drops splash on my face and calm down my angst against our dysfunctional government.
Now that I am comfortably settled, I see that the bus conductor is not! He is worried that the bus is running late, and the rain induced traffic jams are not helping! So he stops the bus every few seconds (by tapping a 5 rupee coin on the glass window, an indicator to the driver to smash down the brakes!!), and bundles in as many rain trampled human bodies as he can…he ushers the people already inside to move forward and make room for others, in the politest way he knows how “Bhaisaab! O bhen*$%^, aagey chalo bey!!!” (verbatim) …delhiites! always polite and helpful! :)

A while later, and i manage to block out all noise and go back to gazing out, taking in the view of dark clouds doling out rain, green trees dancing (yes, we still have a few of them here), happy to be bathed in the shimmer of coolness…and my gleaming castles beginning to take shape again, rising through in the misty skies …

Don't

Dont shine in my face;

Dont chirp in my ears;

Dont tick so fast;

Dont talk so loud;

eyes sting...hands tremble...feet numb....

Let me sleep...i need some sleep....ive GOT to SLEEP!!!

Met up with my school friends after a good five year haul….surprisingly, not much has changed…by which I mean that our goofysms continue to prevail! :)

Not everybody could make it to our adda, the mighty CP, but there we were...all sinister 13 of us.

Managed to get enough space in dear ol’ café coffee day….and the fun began as soon as we planted ourselves on the…well….not so plush couches, and the staid chairs…but who gave a damn!! We were meeting after FIVE years and there was other stuff to think about than the comfort of our backside!!! ;)

A round of sandwiches, coffees and lemon ice teas, our tongues loosen up a bit and the gup-shup begins…yes, we springdalians are chronic gossip-mongers innit?! ;) (YEEEAAHH)

Thirteen (re)introductions and a lot more “confessions” into the evening and we get ready for the foto sessions…more gossip…teasing Salil…



A week later, and i sit here, reminiscing about the days when basketball and canteen trips ruled our world…


Kriti : My darling baby…hasn’t changed a BIT…as loopy as ever :) aaj kal she’s in the ‘oil’ business! :D

Nishank : I remember how he struggled through his…ahem… portly days and then blossomed into a beautiful butterfly (hehehehe). The way he used to count calories in the canteen-made patties!!! “aaloo?? ARE U CRAZYYY??? pata hai isme 589 calories hain!!! Cant have this yaar…tooooooo fattening!!” after a year of this too-oily-cant-eat-this phase, his tummy went in and he got this crazed out concave shape!!! Cut to 2006, and a stint in France, our dear MBA bwoy looks much better ;) Have fun in Nice kid, and don’t forget to bring back that shiney disco ball!

Salil : Sal – The math wiz!!!! His definition of ‘single’ – could be going around…but not married! Dude…ure the DON!!! ;)

Gauri: My most vivid and best memories of ours are of the innumerous hours we spent on the BB courts!! Man! The slightest of chances and we were there, dribbling away to glory! Betting on 21 shots with varun, and then making him treat us to pepsi!! Uh…btw, Gaur u HAVENT put on any xtra weight! ;) hehehehehe Babe! U looked just fine…specially the second chin…!! Salsa classes huh?? Nice….sign me up yaar!

Tanuj : The original “Rock” man!! ;) he taught us how to do the rock eyebrow lift…there was a proper muscle training that we had to undergo, serious stuff!! Remember all those extra classes with MOM Bakshi?…damn! Chemistry padh-padh ke dimaag hil jaata tha!!
Dude! U remain as huggable as ever!! :)

Perseus : Ah! Percy…cute, witty, and grey cells oozing even from his nails!! The little goatie was ADORABLE man!! Our Singapore plan stands! ;)

Arun: How could u NOT have a crush in school?????? Damn! Bwoy…weren’t there enough hotties in dear ol’ SPS?

Mansi: doctor saab!! Ure gonna do us proud aren’t u? :) good going girl! Although im a little surprised that u still have all ur body parts intact! There wasn’t a single day in school that Mansi Sharma had seen through without having bumped into a few tables and/or chairs, and spilling ink on her shirt. :) Had so much fun in the Biology lab, dissecting those cockroaches, borrowing blood and spit from each other! ;)

Shobit: Ah! The big business man! He sits in café coffee day as if he were in a board meeting cracking a deal for his next hotel! :) dude, we’ll get discounts right??

Anchal Batra: The quite, reticent person who very rarely got ruffled up at anything. Now, five years later, she remains as pretty, calm and contained! Your birthday parties rocked, girl!!! Ummm…padhai khatam ho gayi? ;)

Varun Grover: He was quite a hunk in school days, and im happy to say that he still is…more so!!! ;)

Aanchal Kapoor: The i-don’t-give-a-damn-what-others-think attitude…that was and IS Aanchal for u! The forever effervescent girl with that infectious laugh…Babe!! U make the most morbid of moments seem bright and nice!! We wouldn’t have met had it not been for ya! (so when do the auditions begin?? Mujhe bhi toh star ban na hai! hehehe)

Btw, sorry people for the horde of (mis)information that I provided, but it was ALL varun wadhwa’s fault!!!! Sigh! Wat can I say?? You just cant trust the grapewine anymore these days!!! ;) So, the guys can breathe easy for the time being!!!!

Had a wonderful time that day…more than a reunion it was a reminder of all the good times we had back then…An evening well spent…An effort well made!

SPS RULEZZZZZZZ!!!!!!! :)

Fender's American Stratocaster

No memory of a caress...just the sweet warmth of your voice....and a face in my dreams...

scissor hands

Last week was one of those times when life was just NOT on track! There were few, and I mean very few, things that went my way. One of the whole lotta things that DIDN'T, was….my hair!!!!

Ive always had short hair that just about used to fall on my shoulders, and it’s the thin wavy type that immediately curl up when subjected to humid conditions, and lemme tell ya that delhi has enough of that…humid conditions that is!! In fact, a friend once even said that my hair was like maggi noodles!!! And unless chemically treated there is hardly any way to straighten them up. But that’s the lesser of the evils that I have to deal with!
Now, ive been trying to grow my hair since early this year, and usually I have very little patience for long hair…all the regular combing, brushing, washing, conditioning, and tying up!!! Its just a little bit more TLC than what my hair is normally used to! But anyhow, I sustained and the hair has been growing steadily since then….thank you very much! :)

But all the hard work was crushed to crumbs this last week!! here is what happened….after a thorough head wash, I decided to funk up my style! (yep!! And it only gets worse!)
So, I pulled out a tremendously undersized pair of scissors (the only pair I had lying nearby…I figured if I went finding a better one I’d give up the whole idea!). Now, these are the ones that fold to the size of a coin and you have to hold them very carefully with only your thumb and forefinger for help, and squint so that you know where to cut!! I know, I know, but damn! My hands were working faster than my brains could think!!! So, anyway, I pulled out the latest issue of a fashion mag and zeroed in on a photo of a pretty model (who btw had straight, beautiful, silky hair) and decided that I’ll give myself a nice fringe like hers.
That done, I separated a few hundred strands of hair above my forehead and very, very carefully (or so I thought) measured the length I wanted. I took the scissors (which, I now saw, were also rusted) and painstakingly started cutting, and it took about thirty odd strokes before the left over hair fell to the ground, and the rest remained, dangling, just a few inches above the bridge of my nose. Not sure about the outcome I hesitantly looked into the mirror to witness my handiwork…..AND….immediately realized what a GROSS mistake I had made!!!! The fringe lay on my forehead...sure….in an awkward SLANT!!!!! There’s more….once the hair dried, it curled up into several tiny wire springs, all of different sizes, jutting out of my head in all directions….as if I was struck by lightening….and I don’t mean the romantic kind that the god of love throws your way, but the real thing…the one with voltage!!!!!!

Ever since then it pains me to stand in front of the mirror everyday and witness the aftermath of the massacre I have caused…and this is the physical, emotional, ‘I cant show my face in public’ kinda pain!!!! Not much of a handiwork after all!!!

Sigh!! What can I say….my impulsiveness has given me more grief than this!!!And I now know that there is a reason why barbers don’t cut their own hair….and im not even close to being one….a barber tht is!!! :-s

'love is like a horse carriage ride....after a while u realise that u r cold and staring at a huge ass tht craps in front of u!!! ...
LOVE......is a crapping horse!!!!'
-will of 'will n grace' :)

o lord which art in me! i pray to thee to give me strength so i can wake up each morning and live another day....and be happy to have done that!

Im reading Dominique Lapierre’s ‘is New York burning?’ these days. The plot is being set to plant a nuke in the heart of NYC. The plan is the brainchild of some of the world’s most wanted terrorists, including the kingpin Osama himself, who is heading this ‘jihad’ against the ‘land of satan’ and the ‘infidel Bush’!!
One of the instigators of this holy war is another person, the right hand man of Saddam! He is here to avenge the soul and spirit of Saddam, who will soon begin degenerating in an American cell as a POW!!
Here, the aim of planting the bomb is to make the American prez to get the Israelies to remove their illegal settlements in Palestine, and also, of course, to take revenge for the thousands of muslims killed there!!

So that was what the plot is all about…and it got me to thinking that Osama’s Al qaeda and other similar organizations pursuing the path to allah, are fundamentally struggling to achieve a single goal….to protect the muslim cult all over the world!! I mean all that the man wants is for the rest of the world to treat the children of allah with due respect just as any other human is entitled to! And to attain that, he is willing to blow up an entire city full of innocent people…many of whom are not even American!!

But this was not what I was trying to get at!! What im saying, after careful introspection, is that in life one has to struggle, persevere and be resilient, to say the least!!! But does this effort…this struggle, mean anything if the cause is not just??? On the other hand what may seem just and relevant to you might not actually be so for the others!! In which case, would your strive account for anything at all?? Or would you go ahead anyway and not care a rat’s ass about the others???!!

Osama’a cause is supported by millions of subjugated muslims in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Palestine. People who are consumed with unadulterated abhorrence towards the American president for waltzing into their country and annihilating it and as a consequence wiping off their homes and the meaning of their meager lives!!! So, what most of us denounce as the act of a vile and sick man, is actually the act of the messiah himself, for these poor people!!

Ps: before you rush to hound me down and kill me, let me say that the above written does not mean that I support the Bin Laden clan. Nor should this imply that im trying to justify his actions and his means of revenge. What I am validating is his cause and I support that!!

love is complicated.....it makes life easy

Summer evenings during childhood were all about breaking out the door of our house and rushing into the garden as soon as the clock ticked 5!

Mine was a cheerful neighbourhood with plenty of kids. So finding people to play hide ‘n’ seek, cricket, pitthu, basketball…was never a problem.

But our all time favourite thing to do was to fetch raw mangoes from the huge mango tree in our backyard!! It had been there ever since I could remember, and most certainly long before that too.
It grew every year.... getting taller, standing there with an almost majestic pride, dutifully serving us with perfectly shaped green, crisp, zingy mangoes season after season after season.

Unfortunately none of us possessed the agility nor skill to climb the height of the tree and pluck the fruit with our bare hands.... so we relied on our (ahem!) aim….a la sholay ishtyle!! :) so whoever could mark the fruit with a stone, stick or a shoe and break it, would be given the much sought after title of “nishaanebaaz”!! :) (cant remember if I ever got one though…sigh!)

We loved that big old mountain of a tree….but it royally pissed us all off when the number of ‘reachable’ mangoes would begin to trickle down to barely a handful…coz that would sign an end to our quest…as we couldnt possibly reach the rest of the sinfully delicious fruits!!! (and the worst part was…we knew they weren’t sour!!! :-s )

Well, all that changed a few seasons later when the summers gave way to an unusually raucous monsoon!! And on one fateful day when the ground couldn’t take it any more and the roots were already weak enough…a thunderous storm finally dislodged the withering hulk!

We kids had a field day snatching all the pretty green babies as fast as our tiny hands could go…fearing that if we dint hurry, they would begin to rot!!

But once the feast was over it dint take long for us to begin missing that ol’ mammoth of a king!! The storm had unknowingly brought with it an end to an era of finger licking yummy mango chutnies, pickles, papads, rassams and other mouth watering dishes…which used to be the highlight of our yearly summer holiday cuisine!! No cool shade in the blistering heat…no tangy fragrance…no rustling of dried leaves…and god!! no strong branches to hang our swings!!!! Yup….we sure missed the entire span of him!

Although ma did try to fill the void by planting a gulmohar, but the damned thing shed like a dog and was soon removed!! And since then no other has ever taken the place of the royal leader.

The empty space still gapes at me and reminds me of the times long gone….

how high can you fly with broken wings......Life's a journey not a destination......And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings...

i cant tell u why...

Why is it that there exist two sets of distinct rules? …one that applies to u…and one that is applicable to others, according to u!!

It is so convenient to opine and be the better person when you r the “other” person… righteous, unbiased, practical and conclusive. But what happens when the time comes to apply the same convention to your own self? Suddenly, the paradigm shifts…because obviously we are here just to preach what is right…the "practice" part is not for us to follow up…after all if we do everything what will be left for the others?