White Hair and Wrinkles

I turn 26 tomorrow.
I look back and see a not so bad life.
Much has been done in these years...much more has not.

The biggest unchecked item on the list is my backpack trip to Europe. Sounds ridiculous, but it needs to be done.

***
26th Birth Year Promise to Self - Visit atleast one European City in time for 28th Birth Year.

***

Dont feel like celebrating this year...im feeling more blase about it this time than i have in previous years. I hope thats just because of the crazy work load at office, and not because the spirit is getting old *shudder* :)

Happy Burdday to meee

She was not what she is

What is it about men that makes them so controlling towards the woman they marry? Do they get some other-worldly pleasure out of seeing her suffer through him? Is this a set rule inscribed in the 'How to be a Man' guide?

She takes care of the house, feeds his kids, feeds him! She knows where his clothes are kept - she washed, ironed and folded them , she ought to know! She knows what colours he likes, the ones he hates....the places he likes to go, the things he likes to do.

And then, a time comes when he forgets that the woman doing all this for him is his wife, and not his house-maid.

Which makes me think....maybe it is infact her fault

What i want to be when i grow up...

Dream Job Profiles:



-- Art Museum Curator

-- Cafe owner. (We'll have live bands playing every Friday)

-- Travel Guide (Europe, mostly)

-- Rock/Jazz band Manager

-- River Rafting Instructor

-- Vogue Magazine Editor

-- Silversmith

Damn!

Is there anybody here who does NOT want to get rich, or get famous...OR travel the world while they are still young? ...
Are people more alike than we want to believe? ... *shudder*

Monogamy

Revelation: - The reason why women can successfully remain loyal to one man – Shopping!!

It’s true. The intense pleasure we derive from - looking at shop windows, feeling fabric, trying on clothes, jewellery, bargaining, purchasing, taking mini coffee/food breaks and contemplating the next round of spending frenzy, this time Shoes and Bags maybe - leaves little room in our mind and heart for another man…one seems quite enough!

***

Harldy any work at office today. Which means i have to pretend that im extra busy!! ;)

Borrowed

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women wear makeup for women to see...men can't understand it anyway!

Time...

***
I had hounded my ma for weeks with my cribbing, then threats of not going to school, then tears, and finally when i promised not to ask for anything more that month, she mercifully gave in...and i got that beautiful piece of time!!

It's transparent plastic straps had small, blue Mickey mouse heads on it.
The dial was in the shape of Mickey mouse's head...the colour a brilliant, metallic blue that shined on my hand when i played in the sun...
But the inside of the watch was the best part...it had Mickey, himself, telling me the time with his hands!!! Tiny, gloved hands that moved with every minute...with every hour. Man!! i was a girl obsessed with her watch...i'd wear it even while i slept!!

But like all good things, the watch didnt last long either. I was playing with the other roughians of my neighborhood when i bumped my hand into the wall...i heard a crack and was paralysed with shock...shuddering to even look at my hand!

The round, domed glass was cracked, and one of Mickey's perfect blue, metal ears had a dent in them! i cried like i had lost my leg!!...and for days after that i kept the watch on...and everytime i looked at the damage i'd caused it, i would well up...

It's been years now, and ma probably still has the watch in her cupboard somewhere. But i'll find it some other time...when i'm not mourning my loss anymore...

Fly on...

~~~

Well, she's walking through the clouds,
With a circus mind that's running wild,
Butterflies and Zebras,
And Moonbeams and fairy tales.
That's all she ever thinks about.
Riding with the wind.

When I'm sad, she comes to me,
With a thousand smiles she gives to me free.
It's alright, she says it's alright,
Take anything you want from me,
Anything.
Fly on little wing.

--Jimi Hendrix (Little Wing)

What piques me

***
It irks me to no end when....
People who claim to be pukka vegetarians dont blink twice before slipping on leather shoes...

They'd even go to the lengths of shifting chairs at the restaurant, so that the carnivores can sit on the "other" side of the table!! ***CUMMON*** !! meat in your diet would actually do you more good than camel hide under your feet!

***

Permission to Fly

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Half an hour in line at the Passport office,

1000 rupees as official passport fee,

500 rupees and freshly made neembu paani to that lech, goon of a police man, (to smoothly forward a positive police verification report)

50 rupees to the happiest postman ever alive (who delivered the passport and this - "kitni khushi ki baat hai aapki beti ka paasporat aa gaya"),

budget holiday in Europe....HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOoooooo

Sunday summer evening

Gurgling grey clouds filling the sky, sifting rain

Eddie Vedder and Jimi Hendrix serenading me...one with his dark chocolate honey smooth voice, and the other with his soul wrenching guitar play

Sweet, strong hot chai with coconut biscuits

AAhhhhh!!!! there's nothing better!

I've been this way for quite sometime now...angry, apprehensive, dazed, blurred...
The mundane is eating away at my life, and im being held back!!
The people i meet, talk to, look at are not mine....this is not where i want to be!
I'd like to break the fucking system that runs all this, and just leave...go..away
It's sad that i can't walk...and the ride home seems more painful everyday

aaahhhhhhh

Riding the highway, backseat of the red bike, needle kissing 100, cool sharp winds rushing by my ears…singing at the top of my voice…

E-L-E-V-A-T-I-O-N whooo hooo……

Cake for thought...

I ask you…
How easy is it to walk on wet sand, with your feet losing grip with every wave that washes by?

How easy is it to walk on snow? Digging, slipping and sliding all the way.

How easy is it to walk in heels over slippery marble floors (not easy…trust me!)

NOW tell me, how easy is it to walk on a cake?? With soft, sponge layers smothered with whipped cream and chocolate!!!

SO WHAT DO THEY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY
“It’s going to be a cake-walk for you”???!!!

Is it going to be a smooth ride…or is it going to make you fall hard and break your ass??!

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Well, a 'cakewalk' is actually a form of African-American dance (more like a spoof on European ballroom dancing). Competitions were held, and couples who won would be handed over cakes as prizes...thus the proverb!! (hmmfff! and it was'nt easy either...people did end up with dislocated hips)

Therez a spider on my PC!!!!!!

the void

I gaze listlessly at the incandescent ceiling, listening to the acoustics surrounding my head…and think of nothing…

I want to be somewhere where there are no other humans around….and I want to cry…weep till the tears don’t come out anymore…I want to shout…scream till my throat goes hoarse and I cant speak anymore…I want to walk…run barefoot…till my legs cant take it anymore, and my chest hurts with every gulp of air I take in …

…and then I just want to lie down on the warm sand…and smile…and be happy to be there…

I hope he knows, when he sees the rain,

every drop that falls is a sigh from my soul...

every cloud that bursts is the anguish of my heart.

i know now

My writing this post has been over and above being overdue. I have been thinking of writing it ever since I met him. But my mind has been churning out thoughts at a pace that made it impossible for my fingers to keep up.

I knew it would not be easy to form coherent words, or sentences. But that is only a fraction of how tough it is to be away from him…his arms…his presence.

Now, finally, 552 hours after I had to leave…pull myself away from him, I have tried to gather my wits to be able to sit still and focus on penning what it was and is like.

I have known him for so long now, I can’t think of a time when I dint have him on my mind…in my heart. But I had never met him until only a few days ago. And meeting him was everything I had imagined it to be…p-e-r-f-e-c-t!

My thoughts from early that day were…well not so thought worthy…you see, although I knew him, I couldn’t help but think…what if I cant make him out in the crowd? Or worse, what if he saw me and dint know it was me? What will he think of me when he sees me then? What will I say to him when I see him? What will I say to him after that? aaarrghhh! My mind was buzzing with all these questions, and needless to say I couldn’t WAIT to meet him!

I was striding up the stairway…my heart thumping in my chest, my mind closed up because of the excessive internal traffic, my nails digging into my palms, my hands limp on the sides of my body, my eyes finding new interest in the ground…but!!!…I only had to look up once, to know that everything in this world and within me was at peace…because right there, in front of me, sitting on the 8th step maybe, was him. His eyes were looking straight at me from over the distance…driving away the noise in my head and bringing in cool, white calm!

I’ll tell you how it really felt. It was like standing near an amplifier during a heavy metal concert and then being subjected to NO noise after an hour of brutal thrashing of the insides of your ears, eyes and head. The searing, vacuum-ized calm that follows…that was it! That’s how I felt then. And all I wanted was to melt in his arms…and stay there, forever.

To leave him that day was not very tough, for I knew I would see him…feel him…be with him again, after only a few days. But to be away from him was torture nonetheless. And to hear his voice everyday was my candy treat before going to bed. It was just so right…to have him as mine.

The three short hours, three weeks ago, were bittersweet. It was only the second time we were meeting. But the thoughts of looming farewells, and the ache of leaving him…this time for an indeterminate time…the crawling numbness in my arms was making me go insane. I must’ve weighed a ton more…it was that difficult to move. I dint want to leave. I still don’t know why I did.

Now, sitting here, without him…it’s not easy. I can’t even breathe well without him. My only solace is in my knowing that it will happen again. I will look into his brown eyes again. I will run my hands in his hair again. I will rest my head on his shoulder again. I will fold my hands in his again. I will sit close to him and hear him speak again.

I will know what it is like to be with him…again.

Monsoons Ahoy!

A week of searing heat, a second skin of sweat, bottles of deodorant, dollops of sun screen, and finally there is some respite, from all that and more, in the form of drops of water sifted down from the heavens…yes, at long last the monsoons are here in Delhi!

Last night when I went to sleep, it was to the gushes of soft winds hailing in the wispy threads of white clouds, and the sweet smell of wet earth wafting through my window. Today morning when I woke up, it was to the sounds of thunder, and pelting rain…sigh! The most beautiful sounds a Delhiite would want to hear in the month of July!
Well…a delightful start to the day! I floated through the daily routine of getting ready for office, only today, I had a huge smile on my face and a happy song on my lips…I mean the weather was beautiful!!!
Said a cheery ta-ta to mum and dad…opened my umbrella, and with a bounce in my step I started out, loving the cool wind blowing across my face, building plans in my mind, envisioning them as I walked till my bus stop...

aaaaand THIS is where the happy part begins to fade...and the pasted smile on my face turns into a scowl!

As soon as I reached the bend, all my air castles crumbled to shards of glass! The sight that greeted me was of a huge expanse of flowing water…muddy water being beaten up by the cars and trucks and auto rickshaws trying to get somewhere, anywhere…away from the river running through the narrow lanes of Punjabi bagh. With the road submerging under the rising stream, all I could see was the pedestrian footpath (rarely taken by me, what with the open manholes, urine laced walls, overgrown shrubs…its just safer to walk on the road u see!).
A moment of contemplation, and I decide to take the (ughh) footpath (had to keep the shoes from getting wet!)…about 50 meters of trying to keep the umbrella over my head, my hands away from the walls, and my hair outta my eyes…and I come to a screeching halt as I realize that I can no longer continue walking…there’s water everywhere!!! I look to the left and right, hoping for nothing really, just a normal panic reaction…and then decide to brave it…I take a deep yogic breath and jump into the water, clenching my jaw as I wade through to the divider in the middle of the road (shoes, socks, jeans…soaked to the thread!).
Ignoring the smirks pasted on the faces of leering men in cars, I shrug my shoulders proudly and forward march (forward slosh would be more like it) on the thin strip of concrete to the bus stop, already giving up on saving my clothes from getting drenched…luckily my bus came in soon!

By this time, im more than a little pissed off with Delhi’s infrastructure, or the lack of it…I open the window in frustration, let the light rain drops splash on my face and calm down my angst against our dysfunctional government.
Now that I am comfortably settled, I see that the bus conductor is not! He is worried that the bus is running late, and the rain induced traffic jams are not helping! So he stops the bus every few seconds (by tapping a 5 rupee coin on the glass window, an indicator to the driver to smash down the brakes!!), and bundles in as many rain trampled human bodies as he can…he ushers the people already inside to move forward and make room for others, in the politest way he knows how “Bhaisaab! O bhen*$%^, aagey chalo bey!!!” (verbatim) …delhiites! always polite and helpful! :)

A while later, and i manage to block out all noise and go back to gazing out, taking in the view of dark clouds doling out rain, green trees dancing (yes, we still have a few of them here), happy to be bathed in the shimmer of coolness…and my gleaming castles beginning to take shape again, rising through in the misty skies …

Don't

Dont shine in my face;

Dont chirp in my ears;

Dont tick so fast;

Dont talk so loud;

eyes sting...hands tremble...feet numb....

Let me sleep...i need some sleep....ive GOT to SLEEP!!!